Living with a mental disorder is probably the hardest thing I have ever faced in my lifetime. Dealing with the ups and downs of my emotional state has been problematic to say the least. Explaining to friends and family that not everything I say or do is exactly what I mean. Explaining that my feelings of elation and grandeur are not totally realistic, as are my feelings of depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. They are feelings, a state of being, and emotions that I cannot seem to fully control. And this is made even harder when the study, diagnosis, and treatment for these disorders is a work in progress as well. A treatment or medication that may have initially worked may end up causing more harm leading to a switch in treatments and medications that start the cycle all over again.
That is what I have gone through past couple of months. I was initially diagnosed with Anxiety, then later diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder coupled with Anxiety, and now most recently as having a combination of Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and Anxiety. That latter being what I am currently being treated for as of this writing. But getting to that point where the doctors and I feel like it may be the right disorder has been a hard journey – and it may not be over yet. They have to see how I respond to this treatment and regimen to see if there may be something else as well. But, as it stands right now, this is what we are comfortable with.
However, just getting here has been a hard journey; not just for myself, but for my family as well. They’ve had to deal with constant mood swings, me going from the highest of highs with an abundance of energy, to the lowest of lows and me dealing with lethargic bouts, actions or self-harm, and the constant thought of suicide. The latter being the scariest as it is the single most constant thought on my mind. When I am at my lowest it seems as the easiest answer to all of my problems and the quickest way to alleviate the pressures and hardships that I have put on my family as of late. I know it is not the best answer and that it would ultimately do more harm than good, but the thought is a constant in my recent days – so much so that a quick change in medication was needed as one of my prescribed medications was actually making these thoughts more and more constant.
Thankfully my wife recognized this and the last time I went to see my psychiatrist she came with me to explain to him what she was seeing in a way that I could not explain it. Sometimes having a different outlook on the situation sit with your doctor to explain what you cannot benefits you – even if it may hurt your feelings or make you feel vulnerable in a way you may not be comfortable with. But it is for your own good – so give it a chance. But I am sliding off topic here…
Dealing with all the ups and downs that come with being diagnosed with a mental disorder has been hard on me, so much so that I have had to take a break from almost everything in my life. My doctors put me off of work at the LAPD, I have had to stop going to places and events I usually like attending, and I even had to take a step away from geekXpop to kind of gather my thoughts and emotions. But in doing so, the site has suffered. And I want to change that starting today. I know as of right now I am the only one writing for the site, but I want to change that this year. I want to add a few writers to the staff here – provide them with a chance to voice their opinion on all things geek and pop culture. I want to add more videos to this site. Gameplay videos, video reviews, and some videos that we do just for fun. Quick and to the point – I want to take this site seriously and to the level that I feel I could take it to.
It is something that I have talked over with my family, with my doctors, and even with myself. It is something that they feel would be very therapeutic for me, having me getting back to doing something that I love, something that I am passionate about – something that could help get me out of my funk, get me off of my ass, and get me ready to confront my issues in a more constructive manner. So, I am bringing back geekXpop and starting fresh with a renewed sense of purpose. Hopefully you will join me for the ride, either as a reader or as a contributor, but I am ready to take this to the next level. I am still dealing with all of my issues and mental disorders, and you will also see that in my writings and videos – but that will just be another layer to what I do here.