One of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life is what I am currently battling now – depression. Combined with my diagnosed bipolar disorder and anxiety, the constant feeling of being down, sad, and low on life is one that is certainly hard to balance. Especially when you consider some of the highs that my bipolar disorder regularly gives me bouts of extreme highs and energy. It gives a lot of people this feeling that I am getting better when in fact I am going to experience a real low bout as soon as the high passes. It leaves me in a constant state of flux in the way that I feel, adding to the feelings of depression that I have. And when they all combine, it leaves me emotionally weak, vulnerable, and susceptible to thoughts of suicide on a nearly daily basis. And that feeling just sucks. There is no easy way to put it, or a better way to describe it – it plain sucks.
So, as I try to deal with everything, I usually turn to things that I am very passionate about to try and break my chain of thought; especially when it comes to suicidal thoughts. Lately, I have been turning to writing, which is why I have become a more active writer as of late; both here on gXp and other writings that I have been working on in conjunction with other personal projects. Obviously, spending quality time with my family is another activity that helps break my suicidal thoughts and reminds me why I need to stop those kinds of thoughts. And yet, another activity that I partake in to break my chain of thought is listening to music.
My whole life, music has played a huge part of what makes me, me – more so than other people would consider it. Music is intimately tied into so many memories and how those memories are perceived by myself, and I make so much of certain songs that I have heard in my life and tie them into my memories, whether they were playing at the time or rather because the message of the song helps intensify a certain memory when implanted into it. Music helps me come out of certain moods, even if the message of the song is just as dark as what I may be thinking of.
As such, this is a list of the following twenty songs that have been in constant rotation in my playlist in order to help break some of the darkest moods I have been feeling over the past several months. Actually, thinking about when I started feeling this way, these have been constants in my playlist for well over a year now; at least since June 2016. Now, these songs will not be listed in any order aside from alphabetical because I haven’t listened to any one more so than others – even if some of the songs would usually appear on what I would consider my ten favorite songs of all time. However, because of the way I have been feeling over the past year and a half, I have been listening to these songs pretty evenly when I need to break the chain of suicidal thoughts I am experiencing.
Hopefully some of these songs may help others who are feeling the same way I do, but I at least needed to get this off of my chest, well… just because. So thank you for putting up with this and allowing me to explain how I am feeling and what I need to do to rectify some thoughts I am experiencing.