One thing that I am still getting used to as I deal with having bi-polar disorder, severe depression disorder, and general anxiety disorder, are the swings in mood that affect how I feel and the way I am motivated, or in this case, unmotivated to do anything during my day to day life. The way I manage my day has been severely affected by these disorders and affect everything from my wanting to shower every day to running a site like gXp. Hell, even reading comics, playing video games, or watching films becomes a tedious thing and I am unmotivated to do even that which I love. I mean, for me to not want to even play video games, do you know how bloody horrible I have to feel to not even want to play a video game. Much less work on my projects here on the site. I never expected to feel like this when I started gXp a little over a year ago. But it was back in May of 2017 when this all started when I attempted suicide because I had ignored my symptoms that had been building since June the previous year. It was after this attempt that I sought out some initial help from therapists that my work for the Los Angeles Police Department provided.
Unfortunately, the help they provided me was minimal. And while it helped me get over some of what I was feeling and gave me some coping skills to deal with things, it wasn’t a full diagnosis and I was still feeling low and depressed most days. It wasn’t until I suffered a complete mental breakdown in October of last year that I finally sought out the full and complete mental help that I needed to start dealing with my now diagnosed disorders. I had some idea of what I was going through, but all these months later I am still feeling as low and slovenly as when I was first diagnosed. I’ve been to all my groups and have taken my meds as prescribed, but it is still not enough. I even attempted suicide a little over a month ago when some things in my life went sideways and I didn’t know how else to deal with things. It’s been a hard time getting used to this and what it does and it has kept me sidelined from my job since October. And I am afraid of that.
I mean, if I can barely manage my life on a day to day basis, I can barely manage dealing with my wife and kids day to day and can barely control my emotions, how am I going to do when I finally get released back to work? As it is I am going through a Partial Hospitalization Program through Kaiser to help me deal with everything despite my therapist wanting to commit me fully to get over my last suicide attempt. But my therapist and psychiatrist both feel that I could benefit from the PHP route more than I would had I been hospitalized and taken away from my wife and children. And I thank them for that because I do feel that being with them is a huge help to me mentally… even if at times I feel overwhelmed by it all. And that feeling of being overwhelmed, coupled with my lethargy, often times has me dismissing my duties here at gXp simply because, well, I just don’t feel into it. And I wanted to explain that to you, my readers, because this is what affects me and causes those lapse in content being produced here on the site.
Anyway, thank you for your time in reading this. And for those of you who care and have sent well wishes my way over the past several months, thank you for that – they mean more to me than you will ever know. Anyway, please enjoy this picture of my three kids enjoying themselves as they are the light of my life and the main reason why I am still here today.